Loving While Fat – AKA I’m Fat and They Like Me

Here’s a full length shot from not long ago….

I tend not to “weigh” in on things like this but I just couldn’t help myself.  And since I am not in the single digit sizes I feel the need to speak out on this issue because well, it seems to be a current distraction from all the real issues surrounding black women right now.  I’d venture to say it was something concerning most women because it’s not just the black women who are plus size these days.

The reality of my life has been a struggle with my weight and a very personal battle over the years.  Having a mother who is nothing short of thin and beautiful, who is the embodiment of savvy and talented didn’t leave a baby chunk such as myself a happy camper.  To my mother’s credit, she never told me I should slim down or any of those other things I hear and see people’s mothers doing.  She just kept it real and dressed me to the nines and sent me off looking fabulous.  I was and still am a representation of her.  I was always together and a well dressed as a kid.

Again, that’s not to say it became easier as I got older.  It didn’t.  But then one day.  The summer of my 13th year on this earth, I slimmed down.  Like size 4 slimmed down.  I stayed that way until about my first year in college.  After a breakup with my boyfriend at the time, two years into school, I became skinny again and then filled back out over the next five years to a size 12.

Since then I have ranged between a 12 and an 18.  I am currently an 18.  In this photo to the left, I am an 18.

I am here to tell you, my size has never mattered as I dated. 

Me this past Friday….yes, Leopard print.

Funny enough, it seems my hair has mattered more than my size. Whether or not it was short or long.  Curly or loced.  It has been up for debate more so than my weight.

I have met men who approach me to tell me they love my size.  That I wear my size well.   If this is the first and only compliment a man can offer me then all I can see is he’s about to fetticize me.  I will be the thick girl, the thickems that he loved so well.  I will be the woman he comes to see at home or I come by his house but we are never out on a date.

Note: there are people who will date one type of person in public and another in private.  Steer yourself clear of these types.

I have met men who have no problem with my curves when we meet and then they tell me how I need to slim down within a few months.  Now, it’s not to say he couldn’t be concerned about my health.  But it is to say when a man can’t see past it and he cannot compliment me and can only put me down, then it’s time to go.

And then there is an article written by Ms. Randall here at the NYT a couple of months ago saying that we, as black women, need to lose weight.

And maybe she has a point.  There’s something for being healthy and taking care of ourselves.  There is something about knowing you’re healthy.   The reality of it is many of us are just going to be thicker.

I accepted myself years ago.  I am in pretty good shape. I can rock a yoga class or walk for miles.  I carry groceries home on my shoulders old school.

But what happens to those of us who aren’t a size 4 or a 8 or even a 12?  Where do we go?  What happens to us?  Who loves us?

See, I am here to tell you, that I have never really had any problems getting dates.   I am not boasting, I am being serious.  I have been loved well in my time.  I have experienced the same issues women who are half my size experience.   The joys and the pains.  The issues and the mayhem.  I don’t attribute it to size.

Since when did size determine love?

It doesn’t.  I know we as women worry about how the men in our lives see us and whether or not they will find us attractive if we cut our hair off, gain extra pounds, if we wear heels, if we have on this or that, if our posteriors poke out (too far or not enough), if our hips have gotten too wide, if we’re still attractive to them when we make any change.  I’m here to tell you, when you have the right foundation in God and you really get a hold of who you are, knowing who you are, all of your actions will change.  The way you look at yourself will change. The way men begin to look at you will change.

Confidence my ladies.  Confidence.

Have you ever seen a woman, who was a size 18, walking down the street with that bling on her finger?  And you’re wondering why she ended up with that man? I have.  But I know the secret of it all now.  What we read about having that confidence in ourselves is a BFD.  Seriously.  If I don’t believe in me, then who will?  It’s not up to someone else to convince me I’m beautiful.  I can see that these days.  And I may not fit someone else’s conventional beauty.  Why should I?

I have spent years worrying about what men and women – just people think of me.  It’s exhausting.  These days, concern and thought isn’t wasted on others.  It’s spent on myself.  It’s spent on my feelings about myself.

Let me add, if I have to lose those 50 pounds in order for a man to notice me, is that the right reason to lose the weight?  It’s not.  Why?  Because if the sole reason he noticed me is because I’m 50 pounds lighter then when I put those 50 pounds back on, what will happen?  My advice, find someone who is worthy of you.  Who you really are.  The size you are, the size you hope to be, the woman you hope to be, the person you hope to be.  It’s about more than just our hips and the size of our jeans.

I know I still think about slimming down.  I am working out more these days and going back to yoga class.  After I gained back the weight I lost some six years ago it’s been a hell of a journey in learning how to adorn these curves.  It’s become interesting taking photos.  Sometimes they come out fabulous and sometimes they don’t.  I have good days and I have bad days.  But guess what?  I had the same issue when I was thinner.

I don’t feel as if I have missed out on anyone or anything.

If I have, it’s been for my benefit.

Ladies, let’s live.  Let’s work on our confidence and self-esteem.  Let’s love ourselves no matter where we are in our journey.  There’s enough people out here fat-bashing that we don’t need to do it to each other.  Let’s be healthy.  Get our curves to the point where they do become out assets and work FOR us and not AGAINST us.
Here are six ladies I love that are plus-size fashion bloggers and are beautiful, stylish and have amazing style, taste & class – be sure to stop through to their blogs:

Nadia Aboulhosn – she is bold and daring, gorgeous.  Tends to take the game up a notch.  Adding the perfect hint of vintage to what’s new and beautiful.

Gabi Fresh – Became the first twitter jockey for VH1 and has been rocking these prints, shoes and “fatkinis.”  She’s bad.

Chastity Garner –  she is a recent discovery for me and where have I been?  Lord!  This girl runs style a new red carpet.  She’s bold and beautiful.  Challenges many of my own fears.   She’s a stylist to boot!!

Marie Denee – has recently published an e-book and blogs about all things curvy.  She’s known for creating wonderful look books and speaking on plus-size confidence.  I adore Marie.

Tanesha Awasthi – always classic, killer hair and works every curve she has.  Her style is flawless.

Ty Alexander – she has the most amazing grey hair, killer curves and is always slaying on her fashion options. She shows what it’s like to be 35, rock the trends and be a beautiful plus woman.

So there you have it.  I’m mentioning style in here because if you’re like me, a spa day, a new pair of shoes and a great dress can make all the difference in the world.  If we’re dating or married or boo’d up even we should stay looking our best.  It’s never about size.  It’s always about the way we feel about ourselves.  The way we feel about ourselves also has to be displayed in the way we present ourselves.  It’s all about love.

What are your thoughts?  As a girl over a size 10 what have your dating experiences been like?  Would love to hear your thoughts!

You can also email me at fromraewithlove [at] gmail dot com

Love,

Rae

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5 thoughts on “Loving While Fat – AKA I’m Fat and They Like Me

  1. My dating life have always been non-existent I feel most of it has to do with my weight. Guys weren’t really into me like that. I have been overweight since I was two. In 2007 I went from a 24 to a 12. I felt better about myself, but nothing changed as far as relationships go. I was never a single digit girl. Five years later I am a size 16 again. I want to be a size 12 again because I felt my best at that time and I was able to shop at more stores. I don’t know what will happen in the future as far as relationships go, what is meant to be will be I guess.

  2. I’ve never seen single digits. I was born fat 🙂 LOL My mama was a skinny minnie though like yours Rae!

    But my experience is a little different… I don’t wanna be fat no mo! My FIRST goal was health. I’ve reached that. I’m healthy, fit even! (And I’m proud of myself.) I almost hit that “ok this is good enough” moment at about 215 pounds. Then I realized it wasn’t actually good enough. Lately? I’m tired of being fat. There are shoes and clothes I want to wear that I’m not comfortable in yet, but the smaller I get, the more I love those clothes/shoes.

    I have mixed feelings about plus size models… I actually can’t really relate to them too well because they’re tall, and 9X outta10 they are uber voluptuous… size 10/12s that are fat by model standards, but not real standards. Or they almost always have an hour glass figure with a flat/semi flat belly. Where are the rolls?! LOL

    Lastly, my dating pool changed as I lost weight. Am I more confident? Perhaps. But I’m also much thinner. My online profile changed from BBW to average/athletic + new pics and my hits increased… no change to the words I used in the narrative sections… hmmm. So, yeah. I get asked out more often. Men definitely respond differently to me now.

    I think the message is on point- it’s about self love, always, fat or thin.

    But my life has definitely changed with significant weight loss. For me there is _SUCH_ a difference between a 24 and a 12/14.

    • LOLOLOL!! You know, I feel you too!! I am working on slimming down as we speak. But a single digit isn’t in the cards for me. The smallest I will get – and still be happy because I’m eating enough of what I want + exercising to a point where I’m not hateful is about a 10/12 – maybe even about a 14 these days.

      I will say the guys who like me plus may not like me thinner and vice versa. It’s funny. And yes – the clothes. Girl…I could go on for days about this…

      LOL abt the plus models. There are some I see – but these are the girls who are blogging – that have rolls and are gorgeous. I mean, like make me think about how I’m putting myself together.

      Yes def all about self-love regardless. I think it’s also about where you’re happiest. I have accepted the 18. At the same time, in the back of my mind I’m like – you know, you need to take better care of yourself – so work out more, eat better and eat less of the wrong things.

      Always a process….

  3. i feel this. i’ve never been in single digits – but i have been close and lawd help the mens i when i was. you couldn’t tell me NUTHIN!!!

    but as you get older, beat down by life and relationships, its easy to point at the hair, the weight, the glasses as the reason…when its you pointing at those very things IS the reason.

    that all being said, it’s a STRUGGLE. all caps. it’s harder than losing the actual weight.

    • Yes!! Girl I’ve seen “skinny” a few times in my life. Unless I don’t eat and work out two hours a day, but do I want to be thin that badly – ummm, no. Healthy yes, but I’ll pass on the obsession. It is a STRUGGLE fa sho to accept ourselves where we are and go from there. Lord knows I have fought with my hair, lamented over the dunk, all that. But you know what? This is what I have been given – I shall embrace it and dress accordingly.

      I just want to see us get to the point where we are satisfied and happy with ourselves. There is someone for everyone out here.

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