Today, I had an amazing conversation with a sisterfriend I have been introduced to on twitter. It came down to talking about forgiving ourselves for the mistakes we make. For the wrong decisions and the consequences. For the missteps we didn’t or couldn’t
want [ to] see. For the relationships. For relationships that have imploded in our faces. For the wasted time.
By the way, all of the things I’ve listed above, I’ve dealt with in some form and had to process over the last few years. Over the years I’ve had to walk away from someone who I believe was the greatest love, I’ve had to watch another great love get married, I’ve watched them choose other women over me a few times over.
But it’s okay.
I’ve been mad at them but I’ve mostly been angry with myself. So now, it’s a campaign to forgive myself.
- I realized most of the relationship decisions I’ve made are the result of chasing that great love. Hoping I will find it. I have seen it once for sure in my lifetime. It seems I may have seen it thrice even based upon how things develop over the years. But I had to forgive myself for dragging myself through all of the mayhem and allowing people to get over on me. I allowed it. So, forgiveness is granted.
- I decided/realized/am accepting (it’s a process) I am worth every bit of the love I desire and the love I give out. And the lack of someone acknowledging that value isn’t my fault.
- Value. I’m valuable. Hello, my name is Rae and I matter. I am worthy and I am priceless. It sounds like a stupid thing to say but go to your bathroom mirror and look yourself in the eye and say it five times and mean it. What happens? Were you able to say it? Do you believe it? Now go and say it again five more times. You should believe it. I wanted someone else to see my value (as in a man) and give that to me. Only God can give that to me. Only I can decide it’s really the truth.
- I decided to stop rescuing others and rescue myself. I’m worthy of all the effort I put into other people (read men). If he’s a fixer upper and not ready to commit, not able or willing to give me the things I need in a relationship, I’m walking away.
- I am turned all of the love I’ve given away and donated over the years back onto myself. This one is key. If you’re the type of person who’s always giving away your love, well, this is for you. I’m donating to myself. I’m writing my bucket list. I’m not waiting. Stop waiting for someone else to love you. Give yourself the things you want. Cross the things off your life list you most want to do.
I think forgiving myself is one of the biggest challenges I’ve faced. It’s about not being ashamed of my choices, not being ashamed of my desires and the things I most want to do in life. It’s about accepting all of the pieces of me so to speak. How else am I am to share all of this with all of you? Had I not fucked things up, so to speak, so royally along the way, I couldn’t share or teach. I couldn’t relate.
And guess what, I’m still making mistakes. That’s ok too.
Seriously, we have to get this. If we don’t we remain in the SAME place for years. Get past it. Forgive yourself. Also, by now if you’re reading my blog on a regular you know Jesus and I have a personal understanding. So if He can forgive me and still want to relate to me, can’t I forgive myself and relate to me? How about forgiving myself so I can realize I’m WORTHY of the life I keep thinking about, wishing for, praying for, working for.
Without forgiving myself, I’ll make the same mistakes over and over thinking I DESERVE what’s happening to me. Hmmmm….
Take a minute.
Putting myself in situations I think I deserve because I’m not worthy or because I’ve messed up so much. Girl, bye. (talking to myself).
That the kind of man I want won’t want me.
That because I’ve got debt and credit blunders no one will want me. You laugh, but Viola Davis admitted the same thing when she was dating her husband.
That my past will be an issue later. Well, you know what? If I forgive myself and have evolved into a better person, then why should I be afraid?
Y’all it’s deep. We need to really get a hold of this issue. I’m not saying we shouldn’t forgive others. We should. But a lot of times we’re mad at them and our self-anger gets projected to them when mostly we’re mad at ourselves for letting someone get over on us, hurt us you know?
Or at least I know that’s been me. So now, I can just admit it when I’ve royally fucked up. I try to make amends where and when I can. I then may have to be upset for a while and that’s fine but I’m not going to sit around and punish myself. Listen, I have seen some of these men
negroes I’ve dated forgive themselves for all of the mayhem and havoc they have caused in lives of others…why can’t I?
Why can’t you?
You can. I can. We will.