During lunch today, I ran errands and went in search for food. I was also searching for what I wanted, for what I needed to say in the final #30IN30 post. I’ve been thinking about it since last night when I got home. While at this new spot-I-won’t-name-because-I-know-I-can-make-a-better-version-of-what-they-made-than-what-I-was-served, I began to think about limitations and the ones we impose on ourselves and the ones we allow others to hold over us.
I started thinking about the blogging challenge this month. I was thinking how even though I skipped days (of posting) I made it up those times and posted twice. On one Saturday I had to post three times!! Shiiiiid! What? Three posts? In one day? Yeah okay Rae, is what I was thinking.
Then there is the moment when I had to admit to myself as the month continued – I’ve been bullshitting. Pussyfooting around and shit.
This blogging challenge clearly showed me – bullshitting. I jumped in because I needed something to anchor me down. I needed to test my skills. I keep talking how I’m a writer. But I was playing myself. A writer who wasn’t writing. Let me see if I can live it. I can and I did.
I wrote about limitations and boundaries last October in a post entitled (Less Limitations +Less Boundaries +More Life) x More Love = Restoration.
But last October, I couldn’t see what was to happen during that month and all of the things to follow. We rarely do. I didn’t exactly see what kind of space I was in at the time either and how that very space would influence other decisions. I was writing in an on again, off again manner. Scared to say the things most on my mind. Afraid people might have something negative to say.
I’ve found the posts where I’ve been afraid to hit the publish button, the most vulnerable posts, were the best posts. I found out it’s how people connect with you. I’ve found I care about what I say. I’ve found it’s more important for me to be happy with the writing than others. I’ve found my own blog posts ministering to me. I found I’m much braver than I lead on or let myself imagine.
The thing is, this blogging challenge has changed me as a writer and even as woman. It’s bust my notion of myself as a writer wide open. I’m vastly more capable than I have allowed to shine through. I realize I’ve been placing all of these boundaries on myself – in more ways than with my writing. Around the time of my birthday in May, I realized I have been in this major growth phase. A phase where things are changing and I’m expanding as a person.
Expansion. Enlargement of territory. Growth as a woman. Examination. It’s been like cutting teeth. It’s been painful. The lessons I’ve (clearly) selected to sign up for have been challenging. They have been expansive and life-altering. Here’s the secret: All of it has been for the good.
How is that a writing challenge does all of this and makes me think about all of these things? Maybe because when I had to write every day I couldn’t bullshit anymore…. writing for 30 days straight brings out all kinds of things – thoughts, emotions, feelings I’m holding on to, awareness of where I stand. It made me take stock of things and examine myself. It made me think about where I want the blog to go and showed me the possibilities of where it can go and what can happen.
I have sincerely loved every minute of it. The cursing and the frothing at the mouth. The moments when I had written a post and realized I was still too close to the situation to finish it well. The moments I no longer loved the post I was writing and then had to scrap it in search of something else to write.
But really, it’s opened my thoughts on what I should be doing and set my sights on what I really want. It also gave me the confidence I need to say I’m officially a writer at this point. One who shares. One who can possibly teach and save time. One who can connect people across the lines. One who can let people know they’re not alone. I surpassed what I thought I could do. I did something I haven’t done.
Now to get to business about what happens after this challenge ends:
- I am going to take a week off to focus on
debaucherymyself – which means next Friday I’ll have a live post for you. If you need to find me follow me on twitter.
Let me get myself together and get this last #30IN30 blog post done - I was going to recap things, but that is a separate post—
Raegan Mathis (@fromraewithlove) August 30, 2012
- I plan to set an official blogging schedule and tackle some topics/subjects I’ve been afraid to write about. What days would you like to see posts? I’m thinking Mondays and Wednesday?
- I will post short stories on the blog and would love to hear from you about your thoughts when that begins.
- I am prepped to go through all of the fiction I have written in the past and look through what I love, what can be salvaged and what needs to be trashed.
- I will FINISH at least three short stories and submit them to literary journals for publishing.
- I will come up with three ideas to pitch, send the query letters and see what happens.
- I will create a few photo posts.
- I plan to incorporate a few vlogs into the blog before close of the year.
So the above is my task list for the next four months. The challenge continues in my mind. There’s much work to be done.
So look, I love y’all. You have been so very very very (did I say very?) good and gracious to me this month. The wonderful people I now have in my life as a result of this challenge is nothing short of miraculous. So I wrote, I broke my own record, discovered some things about myself AND I have new friends?
Shut the front door! Sugar Honey Ice Tea!!
It’s been a stellar month that has more than made up for the shitty ones. Thank you.
Talk with y’all next Friday (or before if you tweet me!).
- So Far In 30 in 30 and Write Like Crazy (fromraewithlove.com)
- When a Writer Panics (fromraewithlove.com)