When Can’t It Be Repaired? To Cut or Untie…

Hey y’all! I tried to stay off the blog and not write, but I missed you. This was also tugging on me and it was too much to tweet. I’ve been thinking about repairing relationships lately.  I think about it a lot.  Anytime I have to sever ties with someone it bothers me.  It’s a rare occasion for me.  I feel blessed for that.  But I have the ability to do it.  Sometimes everyone is better for walking away.

So when can’t a relationship be repaired or salvaged from smouldering remains of bad decisions and words spoken in anger, hurt?  At what point are things too far gone?  When are things at a point of no return? How do we know who we should let go and who we should let stay?  How do we decide when it’s worth the effort? How do we know whether to untie or uncut?  Sophia A. Nelson, author of Black Woman Redefined and an incredible tweeter – shall I say “microblogger” tweeted about the difference between untying and cutting.  She has my attention.

If you know me and you’re reading, you’ll know I don’t like having to untie relationships, much less cut people off.  It’s upsetting. I prefer to untie rather than cut.  Maybe because I love hard.  Maybe because there are people who I just don’t want to let go.

Sometimes, that isn’t possible.  I have untied more than I have had to cut.  Neither feels good at the time.  I could lie and say it did sometimes. Maybe initially?  But when I’m really and truly alone, those nights when you wake up at 4am alone, thinking about the past days event, the real pain would set in.  That moment you have to lay there and remember why all of it had to be done.

On the other side of things, I am not the only person to have untied a relationship.  I have experienced people on the other side untying what we shared.  Whether associates, would be friends or a great love, I know what it feels like to have someone cut you off, not choose you, stop speaking to you and just plain walk away and let you go.

Neither side is ever fun.

I’ve had to walk away and didn’t explain.  I’ve had people walk away and not explain.  Let me add, if you plan to walk away, need to untie or cut a relatonship, the proper thing to do is tell the person.  It leaves room for reconciliation later.

Now for the real deal.  I don’t think there are many hard and fast rules to completely severing a relationship versus having to untie it.  I’ll say it’s not always your choice.  But if it is, it’s our job to decide how we can reconcile before we walk away.  It’s our job to decide if we can see the relationship being restored in the years to comeone difference whether to untie or uncut.  Sometimes we can’t see that far.

But tonight, if you’re reading and you’re thinking about cutting a relationship, think about untying it.  If it isn’t toxic, hasn’t resulted in complete ruin of your life and is more so just a difference of opinions, a difference in desires, a lack of desire, a change of heart, a growth in separate directions.  I believe things can be untied.  No harm, no foul.

I have only had to cut a few relationships in my time.  Even to this day, I think about each of them from time to time and pray they are well.  I miss their friendship.  I don’t miss how they hurt me and the dangerous positions and situations their choices exposed me to.  Hence how I knew I needed to be done – more than done.  Here’s another indicator – they are careless with your well-being. That serves as cut versus an untie.

But really, regardless, no matter what happens, I still think about those I’ve had to walk away from, even those who walked away from me.  It doesn’t make it any easier either way.  I just ask if you’re thinking about making changes this evening, trying to make decisions about your next steps, I pray you take a moment to decide soberly, carefully.

Never cut what you can untie.




6 thoughts on “When Can’t It Be Repaired? To Cut or Untie…

  1. I just found your site and this post is so on time. I’ve cut people off and not had a second thought about them. Now, I have this one friendship that I figured needed to be cut – not because we’ve had any big blowouts or anything – but now I see that maybe I just need to untie it for a while.

  2. Pingback: Cutting Loose … | THE STRATEGIC LEARNER

  3. Really great post! It’s never been easy for me to untie or sever a relationship. I will hang on til the very last thread is starting to unravel. Then I’ll try to tie it back up and hang on some more. My divorce was a great lesson for me in learning to let go. Now I’m faced with another such situation, and this one is the mutha of all because it’s my relationship with my mother. Some days I feel really sure and know what needs to be done, and then other days I feel like a 5 year old who just wants my Mommy’s assurance. It’s tough. But life is not done with me, so I will just keep playing the role of eager student until I get it right.

    • Thank you! It’s so hard to have to sever things – unless it blatantly obvious. That’s such a difficult position to be in if it’s with a parent or sibling. It’s so tough. Sometimes it may just need serious distance and then us shielding ourselves. You are very right – life isn’t done with either of us. Hopefully, I’m done repeating some of these lessons though!! Thank you so much for coming by the blog!!

  4. I am really feeling this post. Been dealing with a untie/re-tie/WTF situation for a while now. I don’t actually have too much trouble untying or cutting ties w/ most folks. But if my heart is in it, REALLY in it, there’s a problem. I’ll let go for weeks/months but then I’ll try to reconnect again. I’m pretty sure it’s unhealthy at this point. Nothing but heartache for the most part. But the cycle continues…

    • Girl!! Thank you so much for commenting and stopping through! You know per our legendary convos… I have the same issues and concerns. So I feel you. I think there is a right time to untie things. Some people, situations are much harder to untie than others. Some, I may regret but I have no problem. Others…. well, not so much. You know I got your back!


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