Who’s Checkin’ For You?

To Check For (verb)

[tu chek fawr]

Definition: To keep up with someone, to check in on them, to act like you give a damn. To have their back when they need you.  To support them.  To love them when they act a fool.

So who’s checkin’ for you?

I use this term often on the blog because I love it.  It’s an old school term but it’s timely.  I’ve talked about it a few times.

Just thought I would ask to see if you know who’s on your team and gives a flying hippopotamus about you?  Who are you checkin’ for?  Are they showing you the same kind of love?

Fact is, the people who I care about – I try to make sure they know I am there for them and love them.  If any of them happen to be reading this – let me tell you first hand and publicly how much I love you and you mean to me.

Sometimes, I’m not able to be there for them as I would like to be.  Other days I fall short. But I give a damn.  They matter to me and I’m pretty sure they know it.  If I do, it’s impossible not to know.   Because if I’m not here tomorrow then what will happen?  I don’t want them to ever think for one minute I didn’t love them.

But really, I also know who’s checking for me.  I may be sweet and fluffy and whatnot (I am!) but it has nothing to do with my capacity to see when people are for me or not.  Not that they’re necessarily against me.  It’s just they’re not on my team.  I’m on theirs but they’re not on mine.  It’s like following someone you really like on Twitter, someone you really know or connect with – and they don’t follow you back.  Or they mute you.   Or people who are always asking you to support their events but then you throw a party and crickets come out after they promise to promote it for you.  These things…

*side-eye*

Get an abrupt stop and a side-eye.  An evaluation.  And possibly a disconnect.
Or maybe you always find yourself doing all of the helping, the caring, the advising, the assisting, the supporting,  the picking up, the paying, the protecting, the loving, the worrying – without any reciprocation?  I’ll tell you what, it’s not the business and I have been checking for myself lately.

Yeah, so these days, I’m not on that ship any more.  When it comes down to it, it doesn’t mean there aren’t going to be seasons where people need you.  There are.  Support and love them.  But you can’t look five years back and realize you’re the only person who’s checking for anybody.  It can’t work that way.

From one softy to another, stop being such a pushover.  Stand your ground –  equal rights my friend.

Special note:  asking for some shit things from someone who flat out isn’t capable of giving it to you will only upset you, give you high blood pressure and an appointment with your living room floor.  Demanding something from someone who WON’T give it to you might mean you have to break.  Sometimes, people just can’t give you what you’re looking for or won’t.  It’s ok.  Move forward my love.  Press onward.

*drops mic*

Love,

Rae

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14 thoughts on “Who’s Checkin’ For You?

  1. Rae, I know I’m digging in your archives and so tardy for the party, but I had to drop a note. This post spoke volumes to me, darling! See lately I’ve been dealing with a burnout of sorts and I think it all boils down to the fact that I’m checking for lots of folks who aren’t checking for me. I used to think it was cool to be the dependable one, the reliable one, the old faithful one. But what do you do when your reliability isn’t reciprocated?

    In short, I guess the main thing I’ve had to come to grips with is I can be a bit of a doormat. I rarely say no, and I’m always going out of my way. But when I need a friend to genuinely be there for me, I find that nobody’s checking for me. Crickets. Curtains.

    In your special note, you said that asking for things that someone is incapable of giving us is only going to upset us. It made me realize that I get upset when others don’t come through for me or check for me because somewhere in my mind I’ve made expectations for them. It’s not entirely their fault if I expect them to do something they didn’t really sign up to do in the first place. And just because I’m a good friend to some doesn’t necessarily mean they’re gonna be that same type of friend to me.

    Looks like I need to re-evaluate who’s checking for me and who I need to stop checking for. Thanks for sharing this!

    • Girl – never tardy! But thank you so much!! And girl yes!! That burnout is real. I went through that a few years ago and have seen it try to return. No ma’am. I read your comment BTW at like 6am but wasn’t coherent enough to type. I digress. It’s really something. I’ve seen it happen to so many people who do things for everyone and then when they need something, people scatter like roaches to light. LOL! It’s so wild!!!

      That special note is key. I was getting all upset with people about them not helping me and then had the realization that either they couldn’t help me or they weren’t going to help me, check for me or whatever. So now I am just on the policy that whatever I do, I do it because I want to. Not expecting anything. Makes life easier. That’s not to say I don’t end up disappointed. I just try to manage myself and the level of disappointment.

  2. I find myself doing self-checking before even thinking about checking on anyone else, or having anyone else check on me. I guess that’s part of the territory with being an introvert.

    • Amen – and that’s the way you have to continue to think. People should be checking for you. I know right now, things are about to get clearer and clearer as the days pass!

  3. Hi Rae!

    I was just about to go checkin for you, trinityizreal & other ladies on twitter & remembered to check for your blog lol!! How funny that this is your topic!

    I really love what you are saying about who’s on your team. It’s so easy to get comfortable with the familiarity of a face and not think of how it enhances our lives. People like us who naturally have a giving heart are prone to attract takers. Not necessarily a problem since you need someone willing to receive in order to give.

    I’ve learned 2 things (the hard way) from the many many many many people who never reciprocate:

    1 What I give always comes back to me but NOT always directly from the person to whom I gave.

    2 How I honor myself in deciding who when &what to give has a greater impact on me feeling the love returned than how or if they ever reciprocate. Non hippopotamus givers usually remove themselves when you honor yourself first. When they don’t #1still applies.

    When I remind myself of these two points, they help me put my radar down & more wisely choose who and how to continue freely giving hippopotamuses

    • Hi Adrienne! Thank you so much for checking on me and for me! 😉

      I love what you’re saying here. And yes, you are so right on everything! I learned I do need someone to give to (it’s a matter of choosing who). I have learned it’s def not reciprocated with who I’m giving to AND the honoring myself piece? Lord. So important. So very very very important! It seems the more I pay attention to my own piece of the puzzle, the better things get. My radar and the antenna is getting much better at sending out the appropriate signals.

      I’m so glad you stopped by my blog and commented. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy!

  4. I randomly wandered on to your blog today and mam, you put your foot in it. I’ve been struggling with supporting people while they disappear when it comes to me. You put it perfectly. They just aren’t on my team. So keeping it real, this was the perfect oomp to get me to stop expecting and move the freeek on. Thanks lady!

    • Awww Lorei! I’m glad. Yeah, it’s hard to grasp sometimes or believe you know? But there comes that point when you have to just stop and recognize and leave folks where they are and check for yourself and the people checkin’ for you. It all works out!

  5. You drop the mic while I want you to keep speaking! Great post! Are there ways to assess who is ‘entitled’ to checkin’ for? Sometimes, we don’t need to be redundant with no reciprocation but sometimes our consistent act of checkin’ for others is needed and sometimes neglected by others. How do we distinguish between those times? Thanks. Keep telling the truth, even & especially when it hurts.

    • LOL!! Thanks honey! I decided to tonight because I felt like most people already know who is checking for them or not – even if they don’t admit it to themselves. It’s a hard truth.

      But to answer your questions:
      1. Are there ways to assess who is ‘entitled’ to checkin’ for? Yes and no. (I know, I’m sorry). Some folks who you think should be there won’t be when it’s time to go to war for you. Other times, people who you don’t expect to come to your defense will! But I think it’s based on a track record. Have they been there for you consistently? Do they stand to benefit from helping you? And honestly – there are just some people who I will check for because I love and adore the. There’s nothing they can do to change it and they never had to “earn”it per se – I just loved them from the outset. There are people like that who feel that way about me too.

      2. How do we distinguish between those times? Good question!! I am working on this still. With my friends – I have made stellar selections. I have amazing friends and extended family. BUt my radar is up. It’s looking at people to see how their lives are running…like do I like how they’re living or what they’re about? Romantic relationships? I say fall back more often than not. Wait to see what the person’s actions say. Words and actions have to match. And there has to be a consistency. I enjoy helping people but after a while you recognize when people are just using you or if they really need the help.
      So a friend who could be in need ? I’ll help them. Say I tell a friend who needs a place to stay they can live with me for two months, rent free to get themselves together. If I don’t see any progress – I’m like wayment. And I’ll remind them the move out date is coming. And on move out day? Place to go or not – it’s on them. They have to go. In this case, I’ll fall back after something like that.

      Maybe I’ll do a part two to the post to put it all out there. Hope this helps for now.

      • Thanks so much for responding & so quickly! Your reply definitely helps! *OK, don’t pick up the mic again tonight – get some rest because I’m sure we will need your voice soon ;-).”

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