Competition In Love – Why I Don’t Compete

In the past couple of years I’ve watched friends, former lovers and exes alike choose people to boo up with and partner up with.  Some I’ve been surprised by, others made sense to me.  Real talk, it doesn’t matter what I think at the end of the day.  If you like it, I love it.

I could ask why someone chooses one person over another person but I don’t think there’s any real rhyme or reason.  It’s like asking why one person’s voice sounds like a warm and lovely lullaby while another person’s voice sounds like nails against a chalkboard.

I just don’t think we have a choice in the matter.

I’ve read recently you can change what you’re attracted to – or rather who.  I would beg to say the change of what or who you’re attracted to would mean I would have to change too.

*cue crickets, side-eyes and deep sighs

I also don’t think we can change or affect it when someone flat out doesn’t want us or chooses someone else over us.  So why is it that we try so damn hard?  Many of us work so hard to get people to notice us who could give a negative 75 fucks about us.  I’ve been guilty of it in years past.

I mean, I see sisters change up everything in order to attract a guy.  Not to say (r)evolution of self shouldn’t occur but it should be out of choice and not because we’re trying to attract someone specifically.  But I mean making all of these changes before he marries or even commits to us.  Is there a point?  I mean, is it helping?

Here’s the thing, if I changed for every single brother that said he wanted me thinner, thicker, darker, with straight hair, or with my hair curly or with it in an afro.  if I kept my mouth shut when I thought I needed to speak up, if I became the passive person some people would’ve had me to be – then I’m sure this blog wouldn’t exist.  I’m sure the Rae as my closest family and friends know me wouldn’t be who she is.  It’s one of the reasons I didn’t get married to a brother years ago.  I didn’t want to be trapped in a life that was too small for me.  Not that I think marriage traps us.  It’s our attempt to conform and fit into a small space of someone else’s desires while simultaneously ignoring our own that traps us.  I’ve done all the above over the years.

It suddenly came to me years ago, I don’t compete when it comes to love.  Either someone loves me or they don’t.  There will be no coercion from this end. 

By the way, in the choosing process, have you ever noticed there’s no rhyme or reason to it?  It may not have anything to do with how I look versus how she looks.  In fact I may think I look better – come on, you know we’ve all done that before when some dude chooses another chick over us.  We give her the once-over about 15 times looking for the flaws and why he chose her.  She could have three kids, no kids, a house, or be virtually homeless, her own hair or be a weave mistress.  Who knows?  Maybe you wear make-up and she doesn’t  Maybe she’s tall and thin and you’re petite and thick.  No one knows.  And I’m just talking about the characteristics we can see.  It has nothing to do with personality or how she relates to him.  She could be a banshee and screaming all the time.  Maybe the drama moves him? Chile if I haven’t see anything else in my time, I’ve seen what I think are mis-matched couples.  I’ve also noticed some people choose up to their level of comfort or drama or lack thereof.

In other words, it really doesn’t have anything to do with you.  I mean, it could be you – but when you’ve been all the you that you could be and the best version of yourself?  That’s all folks.  Game is over and it’s time to start a new season.  I’ve spent some nights and months over my years wondering why a man did something or other – or didn’t do it.  All I can say is to ask him.  Half the time, most people don’t even know where their choices come from.  I say respect whatever choice has been presented.  Don’t get too mad about it.  People choose what’s best for them.  Just because they didn’t choose you doesn’t mean you’re not the best.  It just means there’s possibly someone of a better fit for you elsewhere.  I’m hoping you don’t waste your time getting all caught up because you think the person is making some sort of statement about you.

Let that idea go.

There’s no need for competition. The only person I’m competing against is myself.  Possibly even the Rae who God designed and I fight against from day to day.  Compete against yourself – to be better than a few months ago, a few years ago.  That’s the only race we should be running.




18 thoughts on “Competition In Love – Why I Don’t Compete

  1. Well said! Sometimes I wonder what factors most into all these changes that people do for others. Like what’s the motivation? Love? Lust? or just are human need to be or feel validated. I think a large motivation is that craving to be validated. Everyone wants to be seen. Not in a sense of “out there,” but people in general want to be acknowledged and when you through in the mating rituals of humans…. welp… you get everything you wrote about. That was surely me in my 20s. So glad to have shaken that off.

    • Amen!!! I shook it off in my 30s and have to have a Come to Jesus meeting from time to time so I don’t do anything stupid. LOL! But it has gotten much easier as I’ve made myself a priority.

  2. I have found that when I’m pining for someone and they don’t want me back that I actually want to emulate certain characteristics of theirs (that is the basis of my attractions). I want to live vicariously through them, feel what they feel. Lately I’ve been learning to emulate those qualities without that person in my life.

    • Lord. That thought is something serious. I need to take that and mull that over. I’ve never thought about it like that. But you’re right. After a while you learn to glean and emulate without having to have the person in your life.

  3. From the other side of the equation, there’s no rhyme or reason why we (men) put women in positions where they have to compete. I think it stems from an internal need for validation. If any *she is willing to fight over/for me (men), then I must be worth more than I think. No truly self-respecting man would continue to put women in this position. It’s an ego stroke for an insecure soul.

    • It’s so very true. I mean you can look half crazy, be crazy and a man can still love you as is because of all the crazy. You really never know. Thanks for your comment and for coming by the blog!

  4. Wonderful posts. I was recently one of those women who would always ask why not me and why her. I get down on myself because I always felt there was something wrong with me; too fat, too tall, not pretty enough, etc. All the guys I was interested in wouldn’t give me the time of day. I even had a friend say I need to change the way I dress because it wasn’t “girly” enough. The thing is, if I changed that I wouldn’t be changing for me, everything would be false because it is not how I feel deep down. I’m not a girly girl and I’m not a tomboy either, I’m in the middle. I just recently learned to just let it go. If love happens for me, great, if it doesn’t then it won’t kill me. I’d rather be me then pretend to be something I am not.

  5. Sadly some people thrive on competition but in the game of love, if you feel you have to compete and do things to manipulate it in your favor, then you already lost. Thanks for the reminder to just be our best selves and everything else should work itself out.

  6. I LOVE this!!! I think, overall, these complexities in our trying to figure things out/changing ourselves for others/being upset with and/or at the ‘chosen’…points to our desire for control. I’m learning that no matter what we endeavor to do to ourselves, for others, really means nothing for us because we aren’t doing it for us but for them-and so, in those times-we can only cringe at our own cause for control. “Thank You, for this!” Keep writing!

    • Girl – the control factor is real. But you know what? Down the line, I’ve usually not regretted not getting what I want. It’s always been a blessing in disguise.


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